miles to go before i sleep

after driving 3500 miles, flying on 7 planes, being in 2 wedding & spending time with literally hundreds of people, i've had a lot of thoughts. i feel like i have enough thought thoughts to feel a zillion blog entries. but there are a few that have stuck around longer than the others.

here they are...

hellos too close to good byes
in the last 3 years, i've said a lot of hellos & good byes. i graduated college, worked for the summer in my college town, moved back to my hometown, fundraised, worked, then made the giant jump over the pond to a new life in dublin. since then i've said countless hellos & even had to say good bye to friends immigrating, moving or getting new jobs. i've visited my home in the states 3 times as well. needless to say, i've had my share of hellos & good byes.
it's when the two are so close together that is really tough. what do you do when you say hi to someone, dive into conversation only to say good bye an hour later? it's like your life is just a bunch of bungie jumps into other people's lives. your time with them is up & down, it changes, it isn't consistent or predictable.

we threw my mom a 'one year cancer free' party

my 7 month old niece, maggie jo

share life 
i spend a lot of time with people. sharing with them, laughing with them, crying with them, but mostly listening to them. while in the states, i met up with loads of people, some of them i hadn't seen in 3 years! you know how long it takes to catch up on 3 years worth of not seeing each other...well, you just can't do it! in the hour long cofee date, or the 2 hours of sharing a delicious dinner, or especially running into someone at the grocery store, you can't describe your life to someone in those moments. there's no way you can fully understand their life in that short amount of time.
so what do you do? how can you relate to one another again despite the fact we aren't the same people? what do you ask? where do you even start?
during these times, i felt like i just simply needed to 'share life' with others. wherever they were in life, i needed to enter in to it. right then, right there. i decided not to get hung up on what had happened since the last time i'd seen them or dwell on the fact that i never heard about them moving, graduating, losing their job, having their newest child or getting cancer.
i needed to simply BE with them. 'be' is present tense. it's in the here & now, not in the past. i learned to be ok with the time God was giving me & this person right then. i tried hard not to dwell on the fact that in 10 minutes i would have to say good bye to them without knowing when i'd see them again. not to dwell on the fact that i wasn't there when a massive change struct their life last year. not to dwell on the things i missed or will miss but to soak up what time i do get.  

the beautiful place i still like to call home, holland, michigan

jennifer & marcus' wedding

leaning turns to laying

graduated with these crazies 3 years ago...reunited!

emilee & steve's wedding

so you know when you lean on someone? you're lazy, tired, worn out, want attention or can't physically stand, right, so you lean on someone. it's comforting to lean on someone. it brings rest, restoration, & deepens the bond...or maybe causes 2 people instead of just 1 to fall over...haha. 
as i look to continue my time here in dublin, i need to fundraise again. we often say that we 'lean' on God, that we are depending on Him. we take comfort in Him, seek refuge, ask for help, & lean in. 
well i've gotten to the point where i've had to lay on Him. i'm passed the point of leaning, & have straight fallen. i am laying on Him. i leaned & leaned & everything got too heavy. the weight, the pressure, the stress has weighed me down to the point of needing more than someone to lean on...i need to lie down. i need to lay it all at His feet & say, 'here, here it is. i'm giving it to You because i can't take it anymore. it's crazy, it's too much. i can't do this myself so i need You to take it. take it, take my life, take my future. i need to trust You with it all. i need You, because i can't stand, i can't even lean, so i must lay down.' 

8th day farm where i used to work & a place that still holds part of my heart

it's freeing, isn't it? when you come home from a long day only to literally fall on to your bed or couch. it gives you chance to take a big sigh of relief. to let go. to give it all over. it's freeing to lay down Your life to the One who created it, knows infinitely more than you ever will & has greater plans for your life than you do! in these moments i feel truly free.

fellow OMS missionaries praying for me

toothbrush talk

toothbrush talk, you know, like pillow talk, the chat you have with those you live with while your mouth is full of foamy white toothpaste. amidst the gargling, slurping,  and dribbles, moments are made. a common activity brings out conversations that could never intentionally be brought up. memories are remembered and jokes are made. before your head hits the pillow, conversations are had with the giddiness and daze of the day. 

to have these conversations, we have to be close to someone and not just geographically. we have a be vulnerable. we have to be open. we have to be awkward at times and push through the uncomfortable stillness. we have to put ourselves out there. we have to say things we haven't said to this person in front of us ever before. we have to open a new part of ourselves to them. 

it's in these times and many others in life, that i find myself diving deeper into life. life with others. with those in my present. in my right now. it's immensely hard to step out, open up, and allow someone else into that crevice of me life but that's where He calls us. to live life with one another. to laugh together, to smile together, to cry together, to mourn together, to eat together, to pray together, to simply be together. 

i've done a lot of these recently. since december, i've been to 3 funerals, sat speechless in a hospital room, celebrated milestones with friends, and nearly peed my pants [trousers, for you're irish] from laughter as my housemates joke in our kitchen. i rejoice in each meal i eat with someone sitting across from me who i didn't know a year ago and yet now, can't imagine my life without.

it's in these intense and sometimes extremely painful times that i find the dynamic of relationships so fascinating. when you sit on the verge of tears for someone who has lost the love of their life, even though you have only known them for 18 months. when you go out of your way at the drop of a hat to see someone, maybe for the last time. when it's hard because it's good. when we've investing our lives in others, it's beyond our emotions to see that end or even change. 

i guess what it comes down to is love. since i was little, i've always taken note of the amount of songs on the radio dealing with love. whether it's heartbreak, heartache, or love at first sight, love is ingrained in the lyrics that shoot from the speakers. it's a topic we all experience. whether it's in a positive or negative way. love is at the heart of our lives. as cliche as that sounds, it's true. in the depths of our lives lies love. 

so even though, love's wrecking me a bit right now as i look to say good bye to some, it also uplifts me as i'm about to say hello to others.

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. love never fails. 1 corinthians 13:4-8

dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. this is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. this is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. no one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us. 1 john 4:7-12

city grit

since i've spent the last year & a half journaling everyday, i've been able to go back to see what i was doing a year, a month, a week ago (see my reflection of my year in dublin here). it's been interesting to compare, reminisce & reflect.

as i looked back today, i found a great entry. it's a beautiful one about dublin & cities. much like my blog entry about city life, this journal entry speaks of the contrast found in cities. as i read it, i marveled at my own words, it's like it wasn't me who wrote it. so here it is...

feb. 4, 2014 ~10pm on bus 16
the more i get to know this city, the further i fall for it. the more familiar it becomes the deeper my ache.  its nooks & crannies, its quirkiness, its age, its beauty, its ugliness, its rejection, its life, its death. how crazy it makes me. how it scares me. how it enlightens me. how it's growing me. how it pries into me like a screw at the end of a drill. its sly ways of pulling you in & spatting you out at any given time. the way it uses you, abuses you & overwhelms you. how it lures you in to its cracks & holes only to force you to find a way out, not only for yourself but for every other captive as well. how it makes you want to dream beautiful dreams yet at times, it pulls the plug. the possibilities are endless but the striving seems pointless. it has two main groups of prisoners: those oppressed by success/greed/power & those oppressed by failure/poverty/helplessness. very few people escape capture. this place serves these things on a silver dish or on bin lids. life sucks in life. death creates more death. BUT...

oh, to the ONE who fills the holes, heals the wounds, cares for the needs & is always good. praise to Him who dwells with us. who gave up all He had for us. to set us free. to lift the burdens. to carry the weight. to bear the cross. to pay our debt. to give us HOPE! to show true & good LOVE! may we find Him!

found near the river liffey on the south side of dublin

one year

so it's been a year. 365 days of calling dublin my home. 12 months of dwelling in the emerald isle. 
it's been a fabulous & unbelievably blessed year. the Lord has shown & taught me so much. when He called me to this green land, He said He'd 'grow & feed me' & that what's He's done. He has been faithful even when i've been unfaithful. He's been loving when i want to hate. He's been merciful when i turn to blame. He's been gracious when i've been stubborn. He is my guide on this adventure called life.

so 1 year ago i sat at gate A21 at the indianapolis airport. i've journaled everyday since...this is the first time i've tried journaling daily & i have to say, it's going really well. here's what i wrote at that gate:
"well...here i sit at with my pack & a huge personal item. here i sit with the people i love most within 30 miles! here i sit with many fears, anxiety, frustrations, & confusion. here i sit with prayers flooding in & a God more powerful than i can imagine. here i sit in obedience to a call i received nearly 2 years ago. here i sit with literally hundreds of people behind me. how blessed i am! thank You, lord, for all Your provision, all Your care, all Your fulfilled promises, & all Your faithfulness. lord, be with those who stay. be with [insert list of my family & friends]. lord, i give them to You. i release them into Your care! i trust You with them.
lord, i pray for the friends & family i'll have in ireland. i pray for my housemates. i pray for the people i'll work with. i pray for the youth i'll come into contact with. i pray for all those i'll come into contact with over the next 2 years. 
it's the in between times that suck. the here but not there, the almost, the not quite, that space between."

so here i am on the other side of that 'in between'. and here's what God has taught me this year:

• the gospel is more simple than we chalk it up to be
• God wants to redeem & reconcile the little things as well as the big things
• prayer is far more important & powerful than we think
• the church is grander, sweeter & more intricate than i could ever imagine
• God is more faithful than i could ever dream
• living outside our comfort zone is a necessity
• true confidence comes from deeply knowing who you are & whose you are
• our calling is what keeps us going when all else seems lost 

milestones He's seen me through:

• packed up my life & moved to a country where i knew no one
• convinced immigration i could/should stay in said country 
• lived outside my comfort zone a majority of those 365 days
• visited northern ireland, spain, croatia (via italy & slovenia), & austria
• donated 9 inches of my hair to give a woman with cancer a wig
• witnessed my mom bravely & graciously fight off breast cancer
• showed dublin off to 8 sets of visitors
• mentored 2 lovely dublin girls
• helped facilitate 4 RISE leadership programmes
• lived with 5 beautiful, gracious, & hilarious ladies

• watched all 7 seasons of gilmore girls with said ladies
• joined an amazing small group
• watched ireland win the six nations 
• ran my first 5k in a santa suit on a cold irish beach 
• saw pride & prejudice on stage...twice
• experienced my first snowless winter (i know, i know, americans, you got more than anyone ever should!)
• was murdered at my first murder mystery party
• tackled the DART, trains, the luas, buses, taxis, & cycling... aka basically all forms of dublin transport except driving
• been in more castles & cathedrals than i had the first 24 years of my life combined

• met loads of awesome irish people
• acquired a craving for tea (lyons, please) & biscuits
• ate squid & pudding (black & white) for the first time...not together, i should add
• appeared on irish tv...twice
• celebrated st. paddy's day in ireland
• used an immersion
• skyped into a wedding ceremony
• spent my first christmas, thanksgiving, 4th of july & birthday outside of the States

terms i've picked up/learned/added to my vocab/been confused by:

• thanks a mil
• it's grand
• what's the story/what's the craic?
• it was good craic
• that's gas
• no bother
• tuck in
• wee
• ahhh, you would
• cuppa
• hot drop
• kitchen roll
• rubbish bin
• messer
• can i get a lift? (americans, never ask an irish person for a ride)
• rubbers [not erasers] (irish people, never talk about rubbers with americans) 
• trousers [not pants]
• a stone = 14 pounds
• lads
• buns [not cupcakes]

soundtrack of this year:

• eyes wide open by the vespers
• love song for a savior by jars of clay
• any could happen by ellie goulding
• vivid by greg brown
• come away with me by norah jones
• that's how you forgive by shane & shane
• let her go by passenger
• fall afresh by bethel
• lament by audrey assad
• you are so good to me by third day
• i love you , lord by krintina hamilton
• psalm 62 by shane & shane
• the fear by ben howard
• depth over distance by ben howard
• faithful to me by jennifer knapp
• joy by rend collective
• lead me to the cross by hillsong
• hold me now by jennifer knapp
• all about you by birdy
• garden by needtobreathe
• song for the suburbs by ben rector
• home for now by bennett
• oceans by hillsong
• ledges by noah gundersen
• world unknown by noah thrall
• pieces by andrew belle

creating space

view of Wicklow Mountains

 He is wooing you from the jaws of distress to a spacious place free from restriction. -job 36:16

view of Howth

jesus created space. i don't mean the great unknown of aliens, planets, & einstein stuff but rather the unseen atmosphere of room, opportunity, possibility...He created space for us to speak our mind, to ask questions, to be joyful, to laugh. a space where we are listened to, cared for, redeemed, healed & transformed. the space to be who we were truly created to be. space to breathe. space for what we need.

view from Howth

throughout the gospels, jesus meets people where they are. He gives water to the thirsty, He heals the paralyzed, He gives sight to the blind, He feeds with the hungry, He leads & teaches those longing to follow. in these spaces, jesus gives people the chance to declare their faith in Him or to ask the tough questions. in these spaces, belief is found. love is seen. joy is embraced. grace is bestowed. mercy is recognized.

Christ Church Cathedral

it is space in our life which allows Him to work. we love to plan, schedule, & know what's going to happen. recently He's been showing me how some of the best things occur in those times we don't plan. it's in this space where He can freely move, plan, & create for us, in us & through us.

Christ Church Cathedral

where do we need to create more space for Him? where do we need to let go? where do we need to schedule less meetings, appointments, or events? where do we already see Him at work? what are the spaces in our lives that are filled with Him?

Howth Head

quotes

• not knowing when the dawn will come, i open every door. -emily dickinson
• when a great moment knocks on the door of your life, it is often no louder than the beating of your heart, & it is very easy to miss it. -boris pasternak
• all the possibilities of your human destiny are sleep in your soul. you are here to realize & honor these possibilities. when love comes in to your life, unrecognized dimension of your destiny awaken & blossom & grow. possibility is the secret heart of time. -john o'donohue
• you do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all going. what you need is to recognize the possibilities & challenges offered by the present moment, & to embrace them with courage, faith, & hope. -thomas merton
• the creative process is a process of surrender, not control. -julia cameron
• control is never achieved when sought after directly; it is the surprising result of letting go. -james arthur ray
• the reason why many are still troubled, still seeking, still making little forward progress is because they haven't yet come to the end of themselves. we're still trying to give orders, & interfering with God's work within us. -a.w. tozer
• ...it is no trying that is every going to bring us home. all this trying leads up to the vital moment at which you turn to God & say, "You must do this. i can't." -c.s. lewis
• to abandon all is to take our hearts, place them before the One who created them, & dare to believe He can live life powerfully through our surrendered lives. -mary e. demuth

'D' is for discovery

may & june were busy months of travel & exploration. below are some of the photos which capture some of those moments. click the green words to find out more about the place!

my housemate, emma, & i visited newgrange & knowth in may. they were amazing!
these ceremonial mounds are older than the pyramids in egypt! find out more by clicking this link.

i walked up ticknock with amy & emma. there's a great view of dublin from the top.
check out more about it here.

i visited the ring of kerry with my brother, peter, & sister-in-law, jenny. this photo was taken on valentia island.

this is us by ross castle in killarney national park.

st. brendan's well on valentia island. dates back to the 5th or 6th century. story has it that he came to this place just in time to baptize 2 people before they died.

i headed to the States at the end of may to visit my mom during her chemo treatments. this is the group at the Indy 500!

my college friend, jen, & her step mom, dana, came to visit & we went out west to kerry.
this is the gap of dunloe.

we went to a ceili (dinner, music & irish dancing) at kate kearney's cottage near the gap of dunloe. in this photo the instruments are: the bodhran, uilleann pipes, & an irish accordion.

time in dublin with jen & dana. this is us at dublin castle.

seasons

they come & go. they sometimes stick around longer than we'd like. sometimes they can't come quickly enough. they are cyclical. they are temporary yet always there. they are wanted then forgotten until the next one comes around. they bring change. they bring newness. they make us want to clear out our closets & clean house. they make us sniffle & sneeze more. they reinforce the need good-byes & hellos. they remind us that as we leave this stage, there's another one ahead. 

it's these cycles, these changes, these well...seasons which bring new life & change into being.

glendalough

it could be a school year, an illness, a relationship, a sport, a tv series, a milestone, or a new baby which brings in a new season into our lives. seasons bring in fall colors, or blooming buds, or chirping birds, or feet of snow. actual seasons bring change. they bring a turn of the calendar page, they bring something new, something long forgotten, something that's needed. it's seasons in our lives which bring space to reflect, space to remember, space to wish for what was but also to hope for what will be. so whether you're finishing up school, starting a new job, moving, having a baby, battling an illness or turning an unknown page, you're in a season. 

i sit back & watch the seasons in dublin. i see the cold rainy days of winter coming to an end, ushering in sun, flowers, & joy. i see a long easter break. people come & people go. holidays are taken, plans are made for the coming summer, the school year is wrapping up, & the list goes on & on. i guess, i felt "settled" & thought things would stay as they are; i was unaware i was in a certain season which was coming to an end. i saw routines & schedules, now those things i thought i knew are thrown out the window. they're being replaced with new routines, new schedules...new seasons. the change was unknown & uncomfortable but now recognized & embraced. for it's ebb & flow of life which keeps us moving, growing, & learning. what season are you in? a bad one, a good one, a challenging one, a joyful one, a long never-ending one? are you in between seasons? do you like the season you're in? how can you learn from this season?

glendalough monastic city

psalm 1:3 he is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields it fruits in its season, & its leaf does not wither. in all that he does, he prospers.
psalm 104:27-28 these all look to You, to give them their food in due season. when you give it to them, they gather it up; when You open Your hand, they are filled with good things.
ecclesiastes 3:1 for everything there is a season, & a time for every matter under heaven.
zechariah 10:1 ask rain from the Lord in the season of the spring rain, from the Lord who makes the storm clouds, & He will give them showers of rain, to everyone the vegetation in the field.
galatians 6:9 and let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up. 

great songs about seasons:
"seasons" by nichole nordeman
"seasons of love" from rent

quotes about seasons

• "if we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome." -anne bradstreet
• "her pleasure in the walk must arise from the exercise & the day, from the view of the last smiles of the year upon the tawny leave & withered hedges, & from repeating to herself some few of the thousand poetical descriptions extant of autumn--that season of peculiar & inexhaustible influence on the mind of taste & tenderness--that season which has drawn from every poet worthy of being read some attempt at description, or some lines of feeling." -jane austen persuasion



glendalough upper lake

• "is not this a true autumn day? just the still melancholy that i love- that makes life & nature harmonize. the birds are consulting about their migrations, the trees are putting on the hectic or the pallid hues of decay & begin to strew the ground, that one's very footsteps may not disturb the repose of earth & air, while they give us a scent that is a perfect anodyne to the restless spirit. delicious autumn! my very soul is wedded to it & if i were a bird i would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns." --george eliot
• "with so many trees in the city, you could see the spring coming each day until a night of warm wind would bring it suddenly in one morning. sometimes the heavy cold rains would beat it back so that it would seem that ti would never come & that you were losing a season out of your life. this was the only truly sad time in paris because it was unnatural. you expected to be sad in the fall. part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees & their branches were bare against the wind & the cold, wintry light. but you knew there would always be the spring, as you knew the river would flow again after it was frozen. when the cold rains kept on & killed the spring, it was as though a young person had died for no reason. in those days, though, the spring always came finally but it was frightening that it had nearly failed." -ernest hemingway
• "always in the big woods when you leave familiar ground & step off alone into a new place there will be, along with the feelings of curiosity & excitement, a little nagging of dread. it is the ancient fear of the unknown, & it is your first bond with the wilderness you are going into." -wendell berry