miles to go before i sleep

after driving 3500 miles, flying on 7 planes, being in 2 wedding & spending time with literally hundreds of people, i've had a lot of thoughts. i feel like i have enough thought thoughts to feel a zillion blog entries. but there are a few that have stuck around longer than the others.

here they are...

hellos too close to good byes
in the last 3 years, i've said a lot of hellos & good byes. i graduated college, worked for the summer in my college town, moved back to my hometown, fundraised, worked, then made the giant jump over the pond to a new life in dublin. since then i've said countless hellos & even had to say good bye to friends immigrating, moving or getting new jobs. i've visited my home in the states 3 times as well. needless to say, i've had my share of hellos & good byes.
it's when the two are so close together that is really tough. what do you do when you say hi to someone, dive into conversation only to say good bye an hour later? it's like your life is just a bunch of bungie jumps into other people's lives. your time with them is up & down, it changes, it isn't consistent or predictable.

we threw my mom a 'one year cancer free' party

my 7 month old niece, maggie jo

share life 
i spend a lot of time with people. sharing with them, laughing with them, crying with them, but mostly listening to them. while in the states, i met up with loads of people, some of them i hadn't seen in 3 years! you know how long it takes to catch up on 3 years worth of not seeing each other...well, you just can't do it! in the hour long cofee date, or the 2 hours of sharing a delicious dinner, or especially running into someone at the grocery store, you can't describe your life to someone in those moments. there's no way you can fully understand their life in that short amount of time.
so what do you do? how can you relate to one another again despite the fact we aren't the same people? what do you ask? where do you even start?
during these times, i felt like i just simply needed to 'share life' with others. wherever they were in life, i needed to enter in to it. right then, right there. i decided not to get hung up on what had happened since the last time i'd seen them or dwell on the fact that i never heard about them moving, graduating, losing their job, having their newest child or getting cancer.
i needed to simply BE with them. 'be' is present tense. it's in the here & now, not in the past. i learned to be ok with the time God was giving me & this person right then. i tried hard not to dwell on the fact that in 10 minutes i would have to say good bye to them without knowing when i'd see them again. not to dwell on the fact that i wasn't there when a massive change struct their life last year. not to dwell on the things i missed or will miss but to soak up what time i do get.  

the beautiful place i still like to call home, holland, michigan

jennifer & marcus' wedding

leaning turns to laying

graduated with these crazies 3 years ago...reunited!

emilee & steve's wedding

so you know when you lean on someone? you're lazy, tired, worn out, want attention or can't physically stand, right, so you lean on someone. it's comforting to lean on someone. it brings rest, restoration, & deepens the bond...or maybe causes 2 people instead of just 1 to fall over...haha. 
as i look to continue my time here in dublin, i need to fundraise again. we often say that we 'lean' on God, that we are depending on Him. we take comfort in Him, seek refuge, ask for help, & lean in. 
well i've gotten to the point where i've had to lay on Him. i'm passed the point of leaning, & have straight fallen. i am laying on Him. i leaned & leaned & everything got too heavy. the weight, the pressure, the stress has weighed me down to the point of needing more than someone to lean on...i need to lie down. i need to lay it all at His feet & say, 'here, here it is. i'm giving it to You because i can't take it anymore. it's crazy, it's too much. i can't do this myself so i need You to take it. take it, take my life, take my future. i need to trust You with it all. i need You, because i can't stand, i can't even lean, so i must lay down.' 

8th day farm where i used to work & a place that still holds part of my heart

it's freeing, isn't it? when you come home from a long day only to literally fall on to your bed or couch. it gives you chance to take a big sigh of relief. to let go. to give it all over. it's freeing to lay down Your life to the One who created it, knows infinitely more than you ever will & has greater plans for your life than you do! in these moments i feel truly free.

fellow OMS missionaries praying for me