miles to go before i sleep

after driving 3500 miles, flying on 7 planes, being in 2 wedding & spending time with literally hundreds of people, i've had a lot of thoughts. i feel like i have enough thought thoughts to feel a zillion blog entries. but there are a few that have stuck around longer than the others.

here they are...

hellos too close to good byes
in the last 3 years, i've said a lot of hellos & good byes. i graduated college, worked for the summer in my college town, moved back to my hometown, fundraised, worked, then made the giant jump over the pond to a new life in dublin. since then i've said countless hellos & even had to say good bye to friends immigrating, moving or getting new jobs. i've visited my home in the states 3 times as well. needless to say, i've had my share of hellos & good byes.
it's when the two are so close together that is really tough. what do you do when you say hi to someone, dive into conversation only to say good bye an hour later? it's like your life is just a bunch of bungie jumps into other people's lives. your time with them is up & down, it changes, it isn't consistent or predictable.

we threw my mom a 'one year cancer free' party

my 7 month old niece, maggie jo

share life 
i spend a lot of time with people. sharing with them, laughing with them, crying with them, but mostly listening to them. while in the states, i met up with loads of people, some of them i hadn't seen in 3 years! you know how long it takes to catch up on 3 years worth of not seeing each other...well, you just can't do it! in the hour long cofee date, or the 2 hours of sharing a delicious dinner, or especially running into someone at the grocery store, you can't describe your life to someone in those moments. there's no way you can fully understand their life in that short amount of time.
so what do you do? how can you relate to one another again despite the fact we aren't the same people? what do you ask? where do you even start?
during these times, i felt like i just simply needed to 'share life' with others. wherever they were in life, i needed to enter in to it. right then, right there. i decided not to get hung up on what had happened since the last time i'd seen them or dwell on the fact that i never heard about them moving, graduating, losing their job, having their newest child or getting cancer.
i needed to simply BE with them. 'be' is present tense. it's in the here & now, not in the past. i learned to be ok with the time God was giving me & this person right then. i tried hard not to dwell on the fact that in 10 minutes i would have to say good bye to them without knowing when i'd see them again. not to dwell on the fact that i wasn't there when a massive change struct their life last year. not to dwell on the things i missed or will miss but to soak up what time i do get.  

the beautiful place i still like to call home, holland, michigan

jennifer & marcus' wedding

leaning turns to laying

graduated with these crazies 3 years ago...reunited!

emilee & steve's wedding

so you know when you lean on someone? you're lazy, tired, worn out, want attention or can't physically stand, right, so you lean on someone. it's comforting to lean on someone. it brings rest, restoration, & deepens the bond...or maybe causes 2 people instead of just 1 to fall over...haha. 
as i look to continue my time here in dublin, i need to fundraise again. we often say that we 'lean' on God, that we are depending on Him. we take comfort in Him, seek refuge, ask for help, & lean in. 
well i've gotten to the point where i've had to lay on Him. i'm passed the point of leaning, & have straight fallen. i am laying on Him. i leaned & leaned & everything got too heavy. the weight, the pressure, the stress has weighed me down to the point of needing more than someone to lean on...i need to lie down. i need to lay it all at His feet & say, 'here, here it is. i'm giving it to You because i can't take it anymore. it's crazy, it's too much. i can't do this myself so i need You to take it. take it, take my life, take my future. i need to trust You with it all. i need You, because i can't stand, i can't even lean, so i must lay down.' 

8th day farm where i used to work & a place that still holds part of my heart

it's freeing, isn't it? when you come home from a long day only to literally fall on to your bed or couch. it gives you chance to take a big sigh of relief. to let go. to give it all over. it's freeing to lay down Your life to the One who created it, knows infinitely more than you ever will & has greater plans for your life than you do! in these moments i feel truly free.

fellow OMS missionaries praying for me

toothbrush talk

toothbrush talk, you know, like pillow talk, the chat you have with those you live with while your mouth is full of foamy white toothpaste. amidst the gargling, slurping,  and dribbles, moments are made. a common activity brings out conversations that could never intentionally be brought up. memories are remembered and jokes are made. before your head hits the pillow, conversations are had with the giddiness and daze of the day. 

to have these conversations, we have to be close to someone and not just geographically. we have a be vulnerable. we have to be open. we have to be awkward at times and push through the uncomfortable stillness. we have to put ourselves out there. we have to say things we haven't said to this person in front of us ever before. we have to open a new part of ourselves to them. 

it's in these times and many others in life, that i find myself diving deeper into life. life with others. with those in my present. in my right now. it's immensely hard to step out, open up, and allow someone else into that crevice of me life but that's where He calls us. to live life with one another. to laugh together, to smile together, to cry together, to mourn together, to eat together, to pray together, to simply be together. 

i've done a lot of these recently. since december, i've been to 3 funerals, sat speechless in a hospital room, celebrated milestones with friends, and nearly peed my pants [trousers, for you're irish] from laughter as my housemates joke in our kitchen. i rejoice in each meal i eat with someone sitting across from me who i didn't know a year ago and yet now, can't imagine my life without.

it's in these intense and sometimes extremely painful times that i find the dynamic of relationships so fascinating. when you sit on the verge of tears for someone who has lost the love of their life, even though you have only known them for 18 months. when you go out of your way at the drop of a hat to see someone, maybe for the last time. when it's hard because it's good. when we've investing our lives in others, it's beyond our emotions to see that end or even change. 

i guess what it comes down to is love. since i was little, i've always taken note of the amount of songs on the radio dealing with love. whether it's heartbreak, heartache, or love at first sight, love is ingrained in the lyrics that shoot from the speakers. it's a topic we all experience. whether it's in a positive or negative way. love is at the heart of our lives. as cliche as that sounds, it's true. in the depths of our lives lies love. 

so even though, love's wrecking me a bit right now as i look to say good bye to some, it also uplifts me as i'm about to say hello to others.

love is patient, love is kind. it does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. it does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. love does not delight in evil but rejoices in the truth. it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves. love never fails. 1 corinthians 13:4-8

dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. this is how God showed His love among us: He sent His one and only Son into the world that we might live through Him. this is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. no one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and His love is made complete in us. 1 john 4:7-12

city grit

since i've spent the last year & a half journaling everyday, i've been able to go back to see what i was doing a year, a month, a week ago (see my reflection of my year in dublin here). it's been interesting to compare, reminisce & reflect.

as i looked back today, i found a great entry. it's a beautiful one about dublin & cities. much like my blog entry about city life, this journal entry speaks of the contrast found in cities. as i read it, i marveled at my own words, it's like it wasn't me who wrote it. so here it is...

feb. 4, 2014 ~10pm on bus 16
the more i get to know this city, the further i fall for it. the more familiar it becomes the deeper my ache.  its nooks & crannies, its quirkiness, its age, its beauty, its ugliness, its rejection, its life, its death. how crazy it makes me. how it scares me. how it enlightens me. how it's growing me. how it pries into me like a screw at the end of a drill. its sly ways of pulling you in & spatting you out at any given time. the way it uses you, abuses you & overwhelms you. how it lures you in to its cracks & holes only to force you to find a way out, not only for yourself but for every other captive as well. how it makes you want to dream beautiful dreams yet at times, it pulls the plug. the possibilities are endless but the striving seems pointless. it has two main groups of prisoners: those oppressed by success/greed/power & those oppressed by failure/poverty/helplessness. very few people escape capture. this place serves these things on a silver dish or on bin lids. life sucks in life. death creates more death. BUT...

oh, to the ONE who fills the holes, heals the wounds, cares for the needs & is always good. praise to Him who dwells with us. who gave up all He had for us. to set us free. to lift the burdens. to carry the weight. to bear the cross. to pay our debt. to give us HOPE! to show true & good LOVE! may we find Him!

found near the river liffey on the south side of dublin