be near...but not too near

prayer room at the YMCA

i'm an introvert...there i said (errr written) it, it's out there! it's true, i'm an introvert. yet, i feel as though i'm an introvert trapped in an extrovert's body. an introvert stuck in a extrovert world. i get frustrated with myself when i feel as though i'm spending too much on my own & not enough with others. i feel guilty for saying no to invitations. i feel selfish if i just want to do something by myself. 

moving to another country, meeting new people literally everyday, & building community is very difficult & complicated as an introvert. i struggle with the balance of allowing myself to get away by myself to refuel & recharge with the need to converse & interact with others.

this struggle gets particularly challenging when i'm stressed or going through a tough situation. i need to push myself to interact with others yet i need to set aside time to be alone. it's a crazy balancing act that i haven't nor do i really believe i will ever master. it's this tug of wanting people to draw near but a push to keep them away. 

 get away in nature (view from phoenix park in dublin)

it's also a struggle having a calling/vocation/job (whatever you want to call it) which requires loads of human interaction.  i absolutely love people! i love talking with people, getting to know them, making them laugh, & even having tearfully deep conversations with them but it wears me out. it drains me & it doesn't hit me until it's over. i'm just not built to take it on without a massive amount of alone time to recharge. it's not that i'm doing nothing (though most of the time it feels that way), it's that i need that empty time to refuel in order to function. i need time to mull over things, to escape into my own thoughts, to get lost in my mental rambling, & to think things through. if i don't do this...life gets nasty, messy & frustrating. easier said than done, though! i need to remind myself that this extroverted world shouldn't bully me in to feeling guilty, anti-social, shy, a party pooper, or a debby downer! 

check out this TED Talk about "The Power of Introverts"! it has a great explanation of introversion & the struggle of living in an extrovert world. she (susan cain) speaks of many religious leaders who valued solitude, jesus being one of those. there are many times in the gospels when jesus goes away to be alone, to reflect, to pray, & just get away.

i got away on the adriatic sea in croatia

luke 5:15-16 "but now even more the report about Him went abroad, & great crowds gathered to hear Him & to be healed of their infirmities. but He would withdraw to desolate places & pray."
mark 1:35 "rising very early int he morning, while it was still dark, He departed & went out to a desolate place, & there He prayed."
mark 6:30 "He said to them (the disciples), "come away by yourselves to a desolate place & rest a while." (this was just before He fed the 5,000)

before jesus even started His ministry, He spent 40 days in the wilderness. so before He ever healed, preached, or ministered He spent 40 days BY HIMSELF, away from others! then when He actually began His ministry, He chose a small number of close friends/followers/disciples with whom He spent a majority of His time. yes, He spoke with crowds & traveled far & wide to meet loads of people but He did so with alone time intermixed. one of the last things He does before He was arrested & crucified was to pray in a secluded place (garden of gethsemane in matthew 26:36 & mount of olives in luke 22:39-41) with His close friends. i think sometimes we miss the importance of taking time in solitude, in prayer, & in our own minds.

quotes about introverts:

• introverts, in contrast, may have strong social skills & enjoy parties & business meetings, but after a while wish they were home in their pajamas. they prefer to devote their social energies to close friends, colleagues, & family. they listen more than they talk, think before they speak & often feel as if they express themselves better in writing than in conversation. they tend to dislike conflict. many have a horror of small talk, but enjoy deep discussions. -susan cain
• when introverts go to church, we crave sanctuary in every sense of the word, as we flee from the disorienting distractions of 21st century life. we desire to escape from superficial relationships, trivial communications & the contrast noise that pervade our world, & find rest in the probing depths of God's love. -adam s. mchugh
• in a gentle way, you can shake the world. -gandhi
• don't think of introversion as something that needs to be cured...spend your free time the way you life, not the way you think you're supposed to. -susan cain
• let's clear one thing up: introverts do not hate small talk because we dislike people. we hate small talk because we hate the barrier it creates between people. -laurie a. helgoe
• knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom. -arisotle
• i have to be alone very often. i'd be perfectly happy if i spent saturday night until monday morning alone in my apartment. that's how i refuel. -audrey hepburn
• closed in a room, my imagination becomes the universe, & the rest of the world is missing out. -criss jami
• inside was there she lived, physically & mentally. she resided in the horn of plenty of her own prodigious mind, fertilized by inexhaustible curiosity. -tim lahaye
• leave an extrovert alone for 2 minutes & he will reach for his cell phone. in contrast, after an hour or 2 of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off & recharge. my own formula is roughly 2 hours alone for every hour of socializing. this isn't antisocial. it isn't a sign of depression. it does not call for medication. for introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. our motto: "i'm okay, you're okay--in small doses." -jonathan rauch
• how intense can be the longing to escape from the emptiness & dullness of human verbosity, to take refuge in nature, apparently so inarticulate, or in the wordlessness of long, grinding labor, of sound sleep, of true music, or of a human understanding rendered speechless by emotion! -boris pasternak
• introverts paradoxically pull away from culture & create culture. -laurie a. helgoe
• his retreat into himself is not a final renunciation of the world, but a search for quietude, where alone it is possible for him to make his contribution to the life of the community. -c. g. jung