identity

what defines us? how is our identity sculpted? what makes us who we are? our name, our nationality, our race, our gender, our family, where we live, where we're from, what we do for a living, our achievements, what we do when no one's looking, what we like, what we don't like, our memories, our past, our future, our friends, our spouse/significant other, our co-workers, the face looking back at us in the mirror, our fingerprints, our expectations for ourselves, others' expectations for us?

being in a new place requires you to meet a lot of people. i meet someone new almost everyday! lots of shaking of hands, sometimes a hug, & every so often, they don't understand my name because of the my accent (i then proceed to spell it & they get it, well...most of the time)! there's a lot of first impressions. lots of initial encounters.

we "look/search" for ourselves, we try to "find" ourselves, we size up one another, we get to know one another, we discover each others' identities. we're obsessed with "selfies" & revealing our "identity" to everyone who clicks on our profile. but what is our identity stripped down to its bones? who are we at the core of our being? what makes us that way?

i've found myself questioning my identity a lot. i question why i am the way i am. for i am not who i was & have yet to discover who i will become. but what makes me the "me" of today? i've found that the people i'm around have a lot to do with who i am. not in a way that is fake or misleading but in a way that i'm overly sensitive to who is around me (this affects me & those i encounter). my confidence soars through the roof if i have a dear friend nearby. i'm more of myself when i feel at ease or free to be me. i am more myself if i know someone else's identity. if i can relate to the person i speaking with then i feel more "at home" & i guess this is at the core of our humanity. we want to be accepted, loved, & feel a part of something.

so if you know me super well, you'll know i'm not the most patriotic person, hence my living the life of an "ex-pat"! but living in a country that's not your own you're faced with your nationality often. there are countless discussions i've had with people where the US or americans come up. truthfully, it's usually negative but overall people here love americans & are accepting. but the fact i'm american will never leave me. it's where i was born, it's where i can vote, it's where my (most of) family lives, it's where my accent comes from, it's the country on my passport. it has shaped my values, my assumptions, my expectations, my mindset, my worldview, etc. i can't escape it. it's part of me. it's a part i didn't choose much like a lot of other aspects of my identity. 

if there are parts of our identity that we can't control, change, or manipulate, then what's at the core of it? what's the basic substance of our identity? truthfully, i don't know, i don't have an answer to that question. i guess, right now, i feel like my core identity is a "child of God". from this seemingly simple aspect of my identity comes a lot of who i am, how i think, what i believe, how i treat others, etc.

what the bible says about identity:

• genesis 1:27, "so God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male & female He created them." we are made in the image of our Creator God. there's huge significance to this in terms of our role in this world, how we treat our bodies, how we treat others', etc.
• isaiah 43:1, but now thus says the Lord, He who created you, o jacob, He who formed you, o israel: "fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are Mine. we are His. we are God's. He calls us by name & knows us better than we will ever know ourselves for He created us.
• john 15:15, no longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you. we are Jesus' friends, we are partakers in what He does, & He is close to us.
• ephesians 4:22-24, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life & is corrupt through deceitful desires, & to be renewed in the spirit of your minds & to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness & holiness. old self vs. new self. we are renewed! how amazing is that! we are renewed from our old selves that are full of greed, pride, guilt, shame, & sin! we must put on our new self!
• 1 peter 2:9, "but you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light. we are chosen. we are wanted by God. we are also called out of something into something else, something better. 
• 1 john 3:1-3, see what kind of love the Father has given us, that we should be called children of God; & so we are. the reason why the world does not know us is that it did not know Him. beloved, we are God's children now, & what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when He appears we shall be like Him, because we shall see Him as He is. & everyone who thus hopes in Him purifies himself as He is pure. holy cow, this passage is packed full of significant info on identity. the fact that we shall be like Jesus when He comes, that we are children of God, & it all has to do with God's love!

while thinking about identity, i found some great quotes!

• “man is not who he thinks he is; he is what he hides.” andre malraux
• “who is it that can tell me who i am?” william shakespeare
• "if you asked me now who i am, the only answer i could give with any certainty would be my name. for the rest: my loves, my hates, down even to deepest desires, i can no longer say whether these emotions are my own, or stolen from those i once so desperately wished to be." evelyn waugh
• "i am the combined effort of everyone i've ever known." chuck palahniuk
• "can you remember who you were, before the world told you who you should be?" danielle laporte
• "i am not what i think i am, and i am not what you think i am. i am what i think you think i am." robert bierstedt
• "it is a peculiar sensation, this double-consciousness, this sense of always looking at one's self through the eyes of others, of measuring one's soul by the tape of a world that looks on in amused contempt & pity. one every feels his two-ness--an american, a negro; two souls, two thoughts, two reconciled strivings; two warring ideals in one dark body, whose dogged strength alone keeps it from being torn asunder." w.e.b. dubois
• "be a bush if you can't be a tree. if you can't be a highway, just be a trail. if you can't be a sun, be a star. for it isn't by size that you win or fail. be the best of whatever you are." martin luther king, jr. 

aungier street (where the Y is) is looking festive

on the bus by myself...happens a lot because i get off/on at the last stop

still looks like fall despite the christmas lights

watching Gilmore Girls via a projector with a fire = awesome 

the custom house on the river liffey

comfort

this week, i've been sick & it's got me thinking about comfort. if you've ever been away from home or an unfamiliar place while sick, you know how it feels to be in discomfort while in an uncomfortable place. when all the remedies you usually use to get better aren't available or accessible. to be uncomfortable in a place you've yet to feel completely at home in (not a bad thing, just the reality).

what gives you comfort? what makes you feel at home? what causes you to smile with delight or sigh with relief? i found this word, "gezelligheid," which is a dutch (no, i don't know dutch) abstract noun, depending on context, can be translated as convivial, cozy, fun, quaint, or nice atmosphere, but can also mean belonging, time spent with loved ones, the fact of seeing a friend after a long absence, or general togetherness. such a great word! not really sure how to pronounce it but i like it. what is your gezelligheid?

for me, it's... a cup of delicious coffee/tea, a big bowl of spaghetti, jamming to some great music, laughing with someone who truly knows & loves me, cuddling up in a blanket with a great book, having dinner with my family around the table, times of worship, and falling on my knees to pray.

those last two strike/surprise me. i don't know if those would have been on my list of top comforts a year ago yet these two have crept in over the last few years to be a true sources of comfort for me. where do we find our truest comfort? is it in things? is it in people? is the answer ever prayer, the bible, or God? should it be? comfort is defined as a state of physical ease/freedom from pain or constraint or consolation for grief or anxiety. where do we find ease or freedom? what causes us to feel free or at ease? in whom do we find this freedom & ease?

the psalms are littered with words of comfort. psalm 23, a classic, paints a beautiful picture of comfort with a pasture, paths of righteousness, quiet waters, & His rod & staff. psalm 147 speaks of the Lord binding the brokenhearted. psalm 46 speaks of God being our refuge & strength, an ever-present help in trouble. psalm 73 says that God is the strength of our hearts & our portion forever. 

2 thessalonians 2:16-17 says, now may our Lord Jesus Christ himself, & God our Father, who loved us & gave us eternal comfort & good hope through grace, comfort your hearts & establish them in every good work & word. there is a sense of encouragement here. a genuine sense of the triune God cheering us up/on.

i really like what 2 corinthians 1:3-4 says, "blessed be the God & Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies & God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." how great are the words, "God of all comfort." such reassuring & frankly, comforting words! no matter where in the world we find ourselves or whatever situation, the Lord is there to comfort us. whether we're sick, healthy, old, young, broken, optimistic, mourning, homesick, away from loved ones, in our favorite place, He's there to comfort us. He wants to be & is our comfort. we are to comfort others with that same comfort. the comfort that comes from Him is fed through us to others. we are to be comforted by Him to comfort others! He meets us in our afflictions to bring freedom & ease. may we rest in that comfort.

i'm continuing to find my way in this still slightly uncomfortable/unfamiliar city. here are a few pictures of the places i've been recently; places where i have found comfort in simply discovering their history & beauty. 

the long room at Trinity College

General Post Office on O'Connell Street

Garden of Remembrance near Parnell Square

honeymoon's over

i've hit the point...the truth profs & cross-cultural workers have told me about, "there will come a time when all the fun little things start to annoy you! when things aren't so great, happy, & cool anymore." simple things like the rain, riding the bus, grocery shopping, flushing my toilet (you have to jiggle it about 5 times before it will flush), have become mundane, easy, & at times, frustrating. 

i've hit the stage where the reality of my 2 YEAR stay here is becoming more & more visible to me. when i arrived, i was joyful, excited, full of wonder, & ready for all the unknowns. now those thrilling unknowns (&there are still a lot) are becoming stale. they are becoming frustrations instead of wonders to be discovered. 

but as i step into this new phase, i remember the last month with great joy & fondness. i look back on the 4 weeks with a smile. a new place to call home, new people to meet & get to know, & new adventures. i remember how incredibly faithful the Lord has been. how He has provided for me & others. how gracious & merciful He has been as i stumbled. i also remember He is in the mundane. He's in the daily routine of our lives, that's where He meets us. He meets us at those simple things like a sliver of sunshine through a tree branch, a child's laugh, the kindness of a stranger, a good conversation with a friend, a hug from a family member, reading a good book, getting into a warm bed, drinking, eating; in all that we do, God is there. He's right there! 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, "so whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." in all that we do, we can & should give glory to the God. listen to this song by Gungor about God being right here with us.

in moving out of the honeymoon stage, i long for it to continue, i reach out to hold on to it as a lifeline. in a sense it will linger as i continue to learn about the place in which i dwell. i will continue to say the wrong word or completely misunderstand someone. i will still have trouble understanding 2 dubs (dubliners) when they speak to one another & i will still find joys in the new little things (hopefully). wanting to cling to this great stage reminds me of the time Jesus spoke of entering the Kingdom as a little child in Matthew 18. He says, "I tell you the truth, unless you change & become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven." clare, my housemate, thinks i'm kinda weird for my love & interest in children. i guess i find them interesting because of their curiosity, their truthfulness, & their genuine wonder. they want to discover, to know, to learn. that's the way i was when i arrived (& hope to continue to be). i wanted to know everything, discover new places, meet new people, ask them questions, etc. i am a child in this place, in this culture. how beautiful this picture is of us as children of God in His kingdom. how humbled we are & how curious we should be about His kingdom, His people, & His heart! 

the YMCA where i volunteer

alley near the YMCA

first house dinner & pumpkin carving with my housemates

James Joyce Centre

St. Patrick's Cathedral (beautiful even when it's raining)

cuLturE

culture...
what is it? where does it come from? what/who defines it? how can it change & who gets to change it? what is it not? does it look the same to all who are "in" it? is it/can it be good/bad or right/wrong? can you truly be "in" or "out" of a culture? is it possible to be a part of only one culture? if you could take a snapshot of your culture what would it look like?
i tell people i'm from the States & then they ask which state & i say, Indiana (most have no idea where it is). but what does that really mean? what does that say about who i am? how does being from the US & the Indiana culture affect who i am, the way i act, how i think, what i believe to be true, & how i see the world around me?

one of the parts of culture that has had an impact on me recently is assumption. the things the people "in" the culture take for granted, the norms, etc. the things a "native" to the culture probably doesn't think about. maybe it's just culture in general that has hit me hard because if culture is all the history, customs, symbols, language, beliefs, ways of living, food, etc. that make up a society then maybe it's the idea of culture that has been on my mind. the confusion of it, the intertwined-ness of it, the variations of it, etc. 

think of your culture. whatever/wherever it is. may it's the US, maybe it's your school or your work, maybe it's your home or your church. now think of things that a complete stranger wouldn't know if they walked in the door or hit the airport floor in an American terminal. think of things you take for granted that you know how to do. maybe it's turning on the stove, maybe it's knowing who to ask for help, maybe it's knowing when you're being cheated by a street merchant, maybe it's whether or not you should take off your shoes, maybe it's knowing every song on the radio, maybe it's understanding your accent or language. these are things that strangers to your culture would not necessarily know. 


ymca: this week was about the same as last week at the Y. it's been really good to get to know the staff & hear about what goes on at the Y. it's been fun to laugh & joke around with them. i've been thinking more about the history of the Y here & around the world, it's pretty interesting! click here for history of the Y.

innovista: we had our weekly team meeting, our weekly prayer meeting, brainstormed about Rise (program for the youth), & i attended my first Rise session. it was great to see the program at work & to see the students learning! i'm excited to see the program at work each week & see how the students progress as they learn about leadership & how they can help change their community!

brainstorming for Rise

last weekend, my housemate, grace, & i walked to a farmers' market which was so great! it was very sunny & warm (rare here) so it was a perfect day to be outside. simply beautiful!

fridays tend to be my "touristy" days as i usually walk around the city & discover new places. this helps me understand the city more & allows me to get a better grasp on where things are. last friday i went to the National Museum of Ireland which was awesome! so much old stuff!!! i absolutely loved it! things from like 1500 BC, you know, no biggie! yesterday, i ended up at a REALLY old church this time. and when i say old, i mean super old! it was established in 1190! it's called st. audeon's church, check out it's wikipedia page here.

cross at the national museum

remains of the Portlester chapel at st. audoen's church

st. anne's chapel within st. audoen's church

His provision

it's been amazing to witness the Lord's provision & the fact that He has gone before me. i've simply sat & watched His handiwork play out this last week. i have heard, felt, & seen things the Lord had tucked away in the deepest places of my heart & is now revealing. it's a beautiful thing to be where He wants you! it's a wonderful thing to follow His lead (not knowing what's ahead) only to laugh at how perfect it is. it truly is beyond my dreams, it's more than i could have ever intentionally planned.

ymca: this week i sat in the entry way at the Y to meet people & observe what goes on there. it was great to chat with staff over tea & smile at all the little kids coming in & out (may have seemed like a creeper!). there is a lot of activity there with the gym, fitness classes, & the creche (kind of like preschool/daycare). it's been great to get to know people! check out the Y's website here.

there's a great coffee shop near the Y that i like to go to.
stephen (my new barista friend) makes awesome designs!

innovista: had out first true team meeting yesterday which was good. i am very excited to be a part of innovista & all it stands for & feels called to do! it's great to see the passion for youth, young adults, & leadership in my co-workers! we chatted about what leadership actually is & how we define it. as i was listening to a recorded talk (homework for my Tempo training) by innovista's founder, jason, i just laughed because much of what i was hearing him say & a lot of what we had talked about leadership, i had written in my final ministry paper senior year at Hope College! it was so great to thank the Lord for people sharing a vision & passion for something! so great how the Lord works! check out innovista international's website here. check out innovista ireland's website here.

the innovista office

i still (& probably always will) love walking around & discovering new places. yesterday i literally just jumped on a bus, i think it was the 83... i was going to meet someone & knew i needed to go north so i jump hoped on the first bus that came up to the stop. haha, i then just saw where it went & got off when i knew where i was. i almost laughed out loud at myself on the bus but then thought that would be weird.

sunset from my street. i was walking to the park...which i do a lot!

all 4 of my housemates have now moved in so it's becoming more active & lively at the big yellow house! also it has a lot more stuff in it, useful things like sharp knives (i had been eating my cucumber without cutting it up, just taking bites out of it every so often), pots, loads of mugs, & so much more! we played dutch blitz (takes my back to cluster days in dykstra freshman year at Hope!), watch the IT Crowd (i think it's a british show...), & chat about our days. it's such a blessing to have people to chat with about how things are going & laugh & joke around! praise the Lord for clare, grace, emma & amy! :)

my housemate, clare, & i grocery shopping! 

we made our first fire in our fireplace (it's pretty chilly here!)
and i ate my first irish chocolate which was delicious!

pray requests:

• patience, patience, patience with learning things & getting to know the ropes
• discernment as i meet people to speak and/or listen as the Lord guides
• confidence in the areas the Lord has gifted me
• reminder to slow down & take time with people, with eating, with prayer, with everything as life can become hectic & out of control as i get settled
• continual awareness of the Lord's provision & how He is at work

i've arrived

this is my first post, as you may have noticed. i have been in dublin for a week now. i don't even know where to start...
i'm loving it here. simply put i feel i am where i'm suppose to be. this is where the lord has called me, He has prepared my heart, & i have felt at home since i've arrived.

i am learning to navigate the buses, the luas (tram system) & the paths (sidewalks). i know how to get home, for the most part. i can get around the city centre, for the most part, with a map (looking like a tourist!). i am a 10 minute walk from a mall & a few steps from a bus stop.

i live in a beautiful yellow house with 4 other girls but only 2 of them have moved in. it's been fun to settle in to my room & orient myself.

our yellow house

it's all so overwhelming but all of it is so grand (adjective used a lot here, i plan to use a lot)! a lot of the differences are slight but just enough to throw me off. lots of words such as rubbish for trash, press for cupboard, paths for sidewalks, toilet for bathroom/restroom, jumper for jacket/sweatshirt, trousers for pants, & so many more. ireland drives on the left side of the road which makes it difficult to even cross the street correctly; i make sure i look both ways before crossing just to make sure i don't get hit by a bus. haha. time is more relaxed here so being on time is not a huge concern which is nice when using unpredictable publin transportation. they don't use clothes dryers but hang all of their clothes outside or inside to dry. oh & the immersion! haha, this heats the water so you have to remember to turn it on a bit before you need to shower so that the water is hot. & then you must remember to turn it off, always turn it off!

i love just walking around & soaking up all i can. the people, the sights, the weather, the sounds, the smells, everything! it's great to really embrace a new place, discover its oddities, & explore its character.

park near our house (yes, that's a mountain in the back there)

i will be volunteering part time with innovista ireland. this is a group of people investing in the inner city youth & young adults in dublin to build up their leadership skills & enable them to bring hope to their communities. i will be participating in tempo, one of their programs for young adults (see pic below). i will also be volunteering part time at the dublin ymca. this will be a chance to get to know the people who live in & around that area. see what their lives are like, what their needs are, & simply live life with them!

tempo training with innovista

i'm am very excited about what the lord has in store! it feels as though He has been preparing me for a long time to be in this place, with these people, & doing what i'm doing! it's awesome, truly awesome, to testify to the lord's calling & His faithfulness! He has gone before us to prepare the way, He IS the Way, & He will never leave us or forsake us (no matter what we get ourselves in to)!

city centre on the river liffey

me in front of the dublin castle at night